Thursday, June 30, 2011


I often tell people that I'm agnostic--no God, no beliefs. But the truth is I only tell people that I'm agnostic so that they wouldn't ask about my faith: why I don't pray before and after meals, why I don't pray before and after bedtime, why I don't go to mass, I don't take the communion, and so on and so forth.

I truly believe in God. He is our creator. He is the supreme being who controls the world. He gave us His only Son... his son died on the cross for us to save us from our sins. He would come on the judgement day... to bring us to heaven and punish us to hell. 

Coming from a Catholic and Christian school, I know a lot of prayers--the different prayers we pray for the sick, living, dead, etc. Even the songs, I know a lot of songs to sing during masses, celebrations, etc.... as the great Saint Augustine said, "Singing is praying. When one sings one prays twice." 

These days, I've been talking to God a lot and bargaining Him half of my life for something I really wanted right now. But he's been hard to convince, playing hard to get all sudden. In the past months, He'd been answering my prayers as fast as the speed of light... answering prayers and wishes side by side. Everything was flawless. Not until June came--my birthday month. 

It's my birthday... Shouldn't He at anytime of the year punish me and not on my birthday? Can't it not wait, even just a day or two to let it pass? Don't Good Girls Deserve a Break Once in Awhile to the reality of life?

Yes, indeed, I am questioning God. Why does his decision have to be so firm now? Can't it break? Can't it wait a little while? Can't he stretch it a bit and give this girl what he wants? Can I really not have what I've been praying for now? 

I think his decisions are firm that I cannot have this... Or at least, I want to believe, not yet... not this time. 

love, now and always, 

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