Wednesday, November 30, 2011

When Someone Dies

Some years ago, I attended mass with a family of five: the married couple, two ladies older than me and my man friend. Their family are religious. I know for a time that their parents attended couple seminars that would make their relationship stronger. I know the two sisters too are very close to Christ. I'm not sure though if my man friend is as close to God. But I do know every Sunday their family go to Church, something my family often failed.

Several days ago, I dreamt about my man friend, dead in one of the most beautiful casket I've ever seen. It even beats the glass coffin our dear Snow White once laid. It was so fascinating to look into that you are flown away to paradise and confused why it was about death. This dream is weird... I'm dressed in white, admiring his beauty about to be buried 6 feet under and I'm not crying. 

When I woke up, I asked myself... is he dead? 

I opened my facebook the fastest way to get some death news nowadays. No post about it. Searched my friends if he was there, no signs of him. Could it be that his soul had the initiative of deleting his account? Checked my previous messages from him... none. 

I tried to remember the last time I talked to him. I can't remember the whole conversation. It was too long ago and I haven't heard anything about him too. But I know we had an argument, a little childish fight. I tried search the friends of my other friends, my man friend is nowhere to be found.

We argued, I remember. So, could he be on that place? I clicked my privacy setting and there "Blocked People and Apps" lying last. Clicked and Clicked and there he was. Though the memoirs of our fight is unclear, I'm quite sure it was a big fight. After removing him from the list of I wish I never knew this people, I refreshed and messaged him straight ahead... asking if he was dead and wishing he was alive. 

Then it hit me... no matter how bad and BIG BANG someone did to me when it comes to death, I care. We all care. 

When someone dies, we grieve, we regret, we cry, and we wish that at some point... death was just a dream and there's always a second chance to change things the way they are.

Love, now and always,

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He Will Find Me

This year's a battle of relationships. The post war of having a short-lived boyfriend after two years of being single made me come to know that true love isn't something to rush about. 

High School all started the rush and desire to be loved romantically. I don't know if you call it peer pressure or just to gain additional popularity back then but having a boyfriend at school elevates a social school status. Like you were once this all ace-with great school standing-good in English-won 1st place in the essay writing contest-straight A's in academics-invisible girl to instant popular celebrity. You are not just a GEEK anymore. Like you are a member of an extra cool KPOP girl band or the leader of every girls dream group, the mean girls. 

Thing is, back then, all that rush was to belong to the society, to be accepted more of what you are... to blend in. College isn't different either. School is hard so you needed someone to be there with you on your darkest-hardest days especially when your original home is kind of miles away. It was all fun, happy. There's someone there to support you. When you have problems, there's a helping hand and a shoulder to cry on. When your girlfriends bring their boyfriends, you belong. You are secured that when your Art’s Professor demands you to attend a play about love, there's a guy to tag along ALL THE TIME. 

As the years go by the pursuit of love and happiness continued. Loving, leaving, loving, leaving became a cycle. It's too spontaneous that I came to accept the fact that sometimes someone will hurt me and sometimes I will hurt someone else too. That I don't know what I'm looking for. That I feel magic in the first few months but after awhile I press shift+delete so that no memories will be traced even if you searched through deepest recycle bin of my heart. 

For the record it was love, true love, but not enough to be forever true. 

There are lucky people who realize forever after few glances. There are some who cross each others path, didn't notice but are really destined to be together to be given another chance. There are people who live and fight for love like Romeo and Juliet. You are very lucky when you only have one love in your life.... having two, three, four, five or more isn't a blessing... it's having a whole lot more of failed, devastating, sometimes life threatening relationships. It just piles up more heartache before the right one. 

If you experience love in every form, style, and dimension, it will be really hard. You turned yourself a master that in a glimpse, you know if it'll workout or if it'll not. You know who cheats and how to. You know when to leave but never know when you are about to be left behind. You know when your heart will end up into pieces, crashed or pulverized. 

What do you look forward to love now? Do you search for it or let it find you? Do you wish or dream that someday the right love will come? Do you wait? 

As for me, I really don't know. I always say to my "so worried friends" that if they end up alone, we can all live and grow old together. I tell them that the gift of not being married is having the great opportunity of having more time to spend with their parents. Taking care of them and returning their sacrifices. 

Single, alone and happy, not ever having to carry the cross of someone else. 

There are fairy tales in life: romantic, heroic, villain-eous, sacrificing, horrific, crazy. We all deserve to have one if we are very lucky and more, if we are not. 

And if God destined us to be not just someone but with THE ONE, if that day ever comes, we will forget how long we waited and start the rest of our lives in love that will forever be true. 

Love, now and always,

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