Friday, July 02, 2010

Better Half

It's the 1st of July... Oooops! 36 minutes already passed. Again... from the top.

It's the 2nd day of July, typed three thoughts but deleted it, for it will just hurt more. I love you... I still do. Should I delete it again for the 4th time?

There are two extreme reasons why I blog: I'm extremely happy and extremely lonely or angry. How come it feels extremely nothing now?

Like a new year, I should welcome the other half of the year, happily with full of hope and love, even my heart is bleeding right now. Another emo post and yes, it sucks.

Loving you... it's like being in a labyrinth--trapped, puzzled, lost. Trying my best to find my way out, only to realize that I keep coming back to you.

Painful. The pain and confusion is never-ending, be it the reason to give up. But the more I give up, the more I hold on. The more I give myself reasons to give up, the more fate gives me reasons to stay for awhile, wait. Like a week ago, I never thought you would put some corny 3 words and 8 letters in one of your gift cards before. That you hold my hand before I hold yours.

Why do I have to realize it just now? I've been loving you all these years, six years to count. I never thought you loved me before. Have you? Why do I have to see all the proofs now? Why?

I seldom pray for myself. Most of the time, I pray for my family and friends; Praying that my younger brother won't get sick again, praying for my older brother to finally finish school, praying for my father to be safe at work, praying for more blessings for my mom, praying for my lola, praying for my relatives, praying for my friends' happiness, praying for cancer patients. Praying for others. The last time I prayed for myself was last April, about my dreams.

These days, I found myself always praying for you. Usually, my prayer begins with wishing you'll pass the exam, then followed, by hoping that you find your happiness. Along with that, I also pray that if we are really not for meant for each other, I hope it ends all my holding on now. In times I become desperate in forgetting about you, I ask God to give you the girl to settle down with... for me to be free.

But I'm free and single. Like you. That makes it even more painful. Are you waiting for me to find him? As I wait for you to find her? For us to truly let each other go?

Are you like me, that whenever I see the way out of the labyrinth, I bang my head, turn around endlessly and pretend to get lost just to stay a bit more?

Are waiting for me as I wait for you? Are you my better half?

Love, now and always,


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