Monday, August 24, 2009


If there was one person in this world that know the feeling of being left behind, I think that person, in no less--would be--ME.

I never experienced living real with parents way back when I was a kid. They often leave us behind... My father, ever since my older brother was born, has already been working out of the country as a seaman. My mother is a teacher in the same school where my brother and I studied but right before I stepped into that school she resigned. Yupsy. She choose to accompany my dad in his sail works, joining him and leaving us behind.

As young as 5 I was 'home'less, in homes' most sacred definition. I never knew what family means in life... all I know is that my mother and father leaves us to my Maternal grandparents who asks my parents to pay every cent they spend in us. My parents thinks everything's ok... what they do not know is the pain stuck in my older brother's and I's heart while they are away. My parents can pay every cent but how can they pay us? How can they pay us when those people they trusted in the past--to care for us in their place--where the one's who neglected us like them? These people where the one's who abused our innocence... these people who throws curses on us whenever our young minds makes mistakes... these people who hit and beat us when we are not sure of what is right and wrong to do.

How can my parents bring back FAMILY? the meaning of family when we are young.... could have been all the times' I should have known the feeling of family and what it feels to have one.

Then everything else goes back to sacrificing for our family, for our family to be able to live, for us to have better future, for our family to have this, that and so on... Our family... but up-to-this date, what 'FAMILY is' is still unclear to me.

But they're not just the one's that left me behind... my two maternal uncles later on followed but their reasons are understandable... they need to work. Oh... maybe my parents needs to work too... but how come mom should be there too?

All of my paternal aunts and untie's also left us, for reasons of studies, work and marriage.

Years after my grandfather, from both sides, soon left. Died.

Years after Dad's Mom died too.

When will my time come too? I hope it doesn't end in a decade.

Gone. Done. I know how it feels to be left behind. I know how it feel to have something and lose it in a snap. I know how hard it is to think that someone will never comeback again. I know.

But thinking of someone gone, just thinking about it makes me teary eyed. It makes me sick. My heart breaks. My chest feels like a bomb in tics and tacs for its last minute.

love, now and always,

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