Tuesday, July 07, 2009


How many times have I tried killing myself?

I’m way too sure that I tried killing myself 5 times…

The 1st attempt was when I was 5 yrs old. I mixed vetsin with ice tea and drank it all. Vetsin was rumored to kill people? Dunno if it’s true but that’s how I see it before. The 1st attempt wasn’t successful. The ice tea and vetsin had a weird taste; not good, not bad and not enough to kill me. After drinking a liter, I felt dizzy… I fainted.

I woke up in the sofa with my Lola waiting for me back to life, worried. I thought it was heaven or hell when I’ll open my eyes again but no I was in our house. Didn’t even bring me to the hospital... who would want a gossip of a mentally-ill 5 yrs old? No one.

The 2nd attempt was when I was still in SPC. I used the blind cord to kill me. Standed on a higher place, wrap it on my neck, jumped… the first 10 secs is perfect… I wasn’t breathing for awhile, closed my eyes, still not breathing, it’s working…I’m dying! Then suddenly, a heated pain in the neck started bleeding. Ouch. When you feel pain, you’re still alive. OMG. I’m alive… The neck scar is still visible to this date—the sign of pain, the sign of life.

The 3rd, 4th and 5th are all the same, used the traditional way of slicing my pulse. But none of it succeeded. None of it even went to hospital authorities. None and kept inside the family, forgotten over the years. Forgotten.

The lines are not that visible anymore. The lines formed its lies—not telling the whole world—I don’t want to live.

Who would want to live in a cruel world like this? I outlived MJ, outlived Elvis, outlived Diana, outlive M.Theresa. Will die after this great people. Who am I to lose? I’m not of bigger value.

Million times thought of killing myself in a car accident. Will I die? If I bump my car somewhere dangerous would God grant another life, another breathe? Would God still want me to live? What if I really want to die? I want to.


***PS. This is the product of my boredom. Don’t freak and panic. I wouldn’t kill myself… Relax.

love, now and always,

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