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No Pressure.

June 30, 2009
How many times have I told myself that I'm not gonna hope, expect and wish anything to him...
How many times have he had me heart broken?
How many times have he left me in this endless space that no boundaries restricts the pain?

how many times...
I've borrowed a hundred hands to help me count through the fingers of their hands...
but still none would measure the pain.

This post is emotic. yes. undeniably. it is.

This post shows again how deep my love for him...
I waited 5 longs years. Why not wait more?

Why wait more?

I'm starting to run out of reasons in waiting...
my hands, don't grip hard anymore, it let loose, it lets go...

Why wait more?
This is the last. and if this don't work, I'll just let it GO.

how many times have I said that? How many times have I been true that I'm letting him go?

how many?

I've lost count.
love, now and always,

After 5 years, Finally.

June 30, 2009
I don’t want to expect. At the end, I’ll just realize that it didn’t happen.
Never will. Cancelled.

But I know deep down my heart that I am expecting.

We always planned something like this before pero dahil sa busy schedules hindi palagi natutuloy. All I can say is that, "I, We, already waited 5 years. Why not wait more?"

He said that before the day ends, I'll know kung tuloy or hindi. I understand that he is, indeed, really busy with his schedule and duty. He's a nursing student with on-going hospital duties from time to time.

I wouldn't be demanding. I wouldn't take his dreams away from him. He makes me happy.
"Hindi nga kami magkasama, napapasaya nya na ko... what more kung magkasama pa?!"

I hope his schedule would allow it. I hope. I wish.

After 5 years… Finally.

love, now and always,

Linking is loving

June 30, 2009

Love, now and always,

All About Me...

June 29, 2009

The truth is… I, myself is still knowing things about me. Everyday, I discover things that complete and destroy me. Like what makes me happy, what makes me cry, what I can do, what I can never do, what I choose not to do, and so on. 

So this “about me” would be like a season, ever changing from time to time… I would like boy bands now but will forever feel for Beatles.
I love myself. Who wouldn’t be?

My parents gave me a beautiful name (if you know then lucky you do) but I would prefer if you call me Mia. We are not in grade school anymore, so damn please call me in the name that would beat sweet to my heart. 

I’m 22 years old. I’m a writer, but always dreamed of being a doctor (I always ask myself, “how come I am not one?”). 

It would be fair if you won’t call me Ate, Miss, Ma’am, Madam or anything older than my name for I believe some souls are way older than the others. Your soul would age older than mine, wisdom don’t always comes with age… you might be a 3-yrs-old genius. 

I don’t know the things you might hate about me. When you are mad, tell me. I’m quite insensitive but I am TOO sensitive as well. If I talk too much, stop me. When you’re not sure about what I say, ask me and I’ll whole-heartedly repeat it. When I cry, don’t wipe my tears away, cry with me as the way you would laugh when I laugh, as the way you would fall down when I fall. When I sprain my ankle, bring me to the hospital, but allow me to drive the car. Don’t make me feel like a handicapped/disabled, I have a lot of use. I have a lot of worth. Use me, I’m worth it.

Tell me your dreams and we’ll dream together. We’ll do things together, we’ll do better. Be the spoon, I’ll be the fork. Be the bee, I’ll be the hive. Be the saint, I’ll be the sinner. But if somehow you’ll never be a saint, then I’ll sin with you. 

I’m human. I don’t read minds. I break rules. I start wars, fires that damage eternity. Bear with me… especially, in time when I don’t understand myself. I wouldn’t look in your eyes when I’m sorry, I wouldn’t show I’m sincere… but it’s locked down my heart begging for forgiveness. 

I seem to kill you but discover that something in me dies gently as well. I try to be the boss but deep down I’m slaved. When I try to control you, it doesn’t mean I’m superior… I’m controlled as well. I try to be old, but, of course, I still am a child.

If you love me, tell me. Nothing beats it. I’ll stay when you go. If you go and you wanted me to wait for you, tell me. I’m sure it’s worth the wait, once your back. If I’ll go, don’t follow and search for me. Find love and be in love. If I realize that it’s wrong leaving you, I’ll find my way back. I’ll do everything under my power to have you back. If its never-not worth IT, never risk another chance, move on… let go… give up. 

This is how I live my life. I’m not perfect. I bring accidents, bad lucks, and fire. But I hope, at some point these imperfections are perfect for you. Owell, then, after all the tragedies of life… we still MATCH. You are the one for me, as God had destined me to be with you.

love, now and always,


If I Knew That Today by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

June 29, 2009
If for a while God forgot that I’m a puppet and gave me a piece of life, probably I wouldn’t say everything that I think, but definitively I would think everything that I say. I would give more value to things not because of what they cost but because of what they mean.

I would sleep less and dream more. I understand that for each minute that we close our eyes, we lose sixty seconds of light. I would walk when the others stopped, I would wake up when the others slept, I would listen when the others spoke, and how much I would enjoy a chocolate ice-cream!

If God gave me a piece of life I would dress simply, I would lie on the sun, “showing” not only my body but my soul. My God, if I had a heart, I would write my hate on the ice and I would wait for the sun to rise.
My God, if I had a piece of life... I won't let a single day pass without saying people I love how much I love them. I would convince every single women and men that they are my favourites and I would live in love with love

I would prove people how wrong they are to think that they stop falling in love when they get older, without knowing that they get older when they stop falling in love! To a kid... I would give him wings, but I let him alone to learn how to fly. To the elder I would teach them that death does not arrive with being old but with forgetting.

There are so many things I have learned from you, people... I have learned that everybody wants to live in the pick of the mountain without knowing that the true happiness lays in the way “you get into it”. I have learned that when a new born grasp his father’s fist for the first time, he caught him forever.
I have learned that a man has only the right to look down to another when he has to help him to stand up. There are so many things I have been able to learn from you, but actually they won’t be that worth, because when they keep me into this suitcase, unhappily I will be dying.
Always say what you feel and do what you think.

If I knew today as the last time I’m gonna see you sleep, I would hug you so strong and I would pray the lord to be able to be the guardian of your soul. If I knew this is the last time I’m gonna see you going out through that door, I would give you a hug, a kiss and I would call you again to give you more. If I knew this was the last time I am gonna hear your voice, I would record each one of your words to be able to hear them forever. If I knew these were the last moments I see you I would tell you “I love you” and I wouldn’t assume, stupidly, that you already know it.

There is always a tomorrow and life gives us the opportunity to do things right, but in case I’m wrong and today is the only thing we have left, I would like to tell you how much I love you, and that I’m never going to forget you.

Nobody has for sure a tomorrow, young or old. Today can be the last time you see the ones you love. So... don’t wait more, do it today, because if tomorrow never comes, you will for sure regret the day you didn’t take time for a smile, a hug, a kiss, and that you were so occupied to give them their last wish. Keep the ones you love near you, tell them in their ear how much you need them. Love them and trate them good. Take time to tell them “I’m sorry”, “forgive me”, “please”, “thank you”, and all the love words you know.
Nobody will remember you for your secret thoughts. Ask God for the strength and the wisdom to express them. Show your friend how important they are for you.

love, now and always,

Mommy, I love you, you know...

June 29, 2009

“Papa, pano na tayo?” –Joshua Meneses, 6 years old.

Could this be true? As I type each letter of this blog post, I still hope that somewhere in the middle and before I submit this post, I would wake up in the reality—that it’s all a dream—my Grand Mother is still alive.

I was just being close to her, spending a holiday with her in Singapore.

I was just with her exploring SG.

I was just flying back home with her here to Philippines.

I was just starting to feel her. She was just starting to feel me.

And now she’s gone.

All my younger years, I was brought up by my grand grand mother, Inang. I live with her, spent most of my childhood with her and loved her more than anyone else in this world.

I never had the chance to be closer to my grand mother, Mommy. Even if she lives in the house next to ours, I seldom talk to her. All I know, way back, is that she hates my family, Mama particularly.

But as I grew older, I realized that, “that’s just the way it goes.” Mommy isn’t the open one. She’s too private. She keeps things by herself. She’s full of surprises. She’s totally unpredictable. You’ll hate her at times; you’ll love her all the time. You will think you perfectly know her, but then again, you don’t. That’s how Mommy is.

She’s too strong. She cries all the time. Her tears easily flow down her cheeks. But when she cries, she’s not hurting. She never really tells it when she’s really in pain.

“It feels cold here now. Nararamdaman ko nandito ka Mommy.”

I never thought that I would be closer to here. I thought, “it’ll be just like that for life.” I’m happy that I surprised her in her 70th birthday. I’m glad I was able to spend a vacation with her. I was given a chance to be closer to her and I’m glad I didn’t waste it.

I’m glad I opened up myself to her and she shared herself to me. I’m glad that I was able to cook her breakfast, walk with her around Singapore, advised her about what make up, clothes, bag, etc. suit her.

I’m glad she thought me how to cook Sinigang… that I haven’t cooked ever since she thought me. I’m glad she told me stories of her life. I’m thankful she cooked for my birthday. I thankful she thought me the things I wouldn’t know about love, about life.


Jamie: Mommy, bakit kaya si Mama at Papa, high school pa naging sila, eh hindi parin nagsasawa?

Mommy: Ganun talaga pag mahal mo. Ako nga wala na si Daddy pero hinahanap-hanap ko parin.

Who else would throw these words sincerely? Only mommy can explain how long, lasting love is with not much explanation.


Jamie: Joshua, tanungin mo nga si mommy kung sino ang paborito niyang apo?

(pumunta si Joshua kay Mommy pagkatapos bumalik…)

Joshua: Ikaw daw po!

(ako naman ang nagtanong kay Mommy)

Jamie: Mommy, sino po ang paborito nyo apo?

Mommy: Si Joshua.

That’s how Mommy is. You know who her favorite is… but she’s at the same time fair to everyone.

Inspiring things I learned from Mommy:

In cross stitching:

“Maganda dba? Mahirap gawin pero maganda.”

In singing:

“Hindi naman importante kung maganda o pangit ang boses mo, ang mahalaga masaya kang kumakanta.”

In being a teacher:
“Dati may studyante ko pinalo ko makulit kasi. Akala nila hindi masakit sa teacher mamalo ng studyante kahit makulit pero ang totoo higit pa sa physical na sakit ang nararamdaman ng teacher.”

In family:

“Kaya ako nag anak ng marami kasi nung bata ako malungkot pala ang mag-isa. Masarap at masaya ang madaming anak at kapamilya”

There’s a lot more that she thought me, there’s even more that I learned from her. I can never write it all, however, it stays and sticks in my mind and heart.

Is there a way she’ll be back? I can trade 10 yrs of my life for another year or even for one more day…

Para sa isa pang araw na makausap siya,

sa isa pang araw na makulit siya,

isa pang araw na maglambing sa kanya,

sa isa pang araw na mayakap siya,

para sa isa pang araw na makalaro siya,

sa isa pang araw na marinig ang himig niya,

para sa isa pang araw na masabi kong mahal ko siya.

Mommy, Inang would be jelous, but I really loved you like her. I actually think that I love you like Inang.

I’m sorry if I never had the chance… but I love you Mommy… always will!

love, now and always,


The only thing I didn't like about my work...

June 15, 2009
I love my latest job...

And if I haven't told you yet, I'm currently Vibal's promo writer. It’s still a writing job, nothing’s new, nothing’s changed.

I never thought that I would be able to live and adjust to this kind of life. Actually, the first problem I encountered here is turning my life upside down. I tell you—it’s really 360 degrees of change. From my bum life of waking up—12nn and sleeping at 4am, I now sleep before 10 pm and wake up as early as 5:45am.

Could you believe it? The last time I woke up that early was, when I came back from US 2 yrs ago, because of jet log. Sounding weird, I really never thought that I’m a morning person. All along, I thought my extra powers only comes out when the moon is up, bright and shining.

But now, sunshine’s makes me feel like I am solar powered, bottom to top. Day-by-day, I’m starting to get used to my working life. I save more money now than before. I don’t have enough time shopping. My life now revolves around work and home—I wake up to go to work and go home to have a lil bit of internet, watch TV and sleep. I, honestly say, I do not shop a lot like the old times.

Working killed my social life. I spent the rest of my free time with my family. Of course, I still go out but most of the time it’s with them or I’m just alone, bonding free with myself. Prolly, this is the right time to know myself too… MORE!

There’s nothing that I didn’t like in my life right now. I’m relaxed. I’m happy. I’m single and I’m working.

Maybe, if there’s one thing I didn’t like about my work are the ACCIDENTS. The regular cuts—wounds—bloods.

Do not over react… it’s just a paper cut. Actually, no one sees a paper cuts pain. It’s only felt by its injured individual.

When borrowing books, I often cut myself.
While I turn pages, I accidentally cut myself.

I wonder why paper cut hides under the skin, feels beneath my skin…when, in fact, it’s more painful than a vaccine and a wound.
love, now and always,

The Boat and The Lake

June 09, 2009

I’m goddamn sure I have feelings for him… before. I like him so much, that “much” isn’t enough to justify it.

For almost 5 years, I’m in loving-hating-loving this man. When I talk/chat/txt/communicate with him, it feels like my heart stops to beat for awhile, time freezes moving, my breathe holds on and it’s just him that revolves-evolves around me.

But it doesn’t go the same way around him…. For him, I’m just a friend. Prolly, someone like sister or a girl buddy. It took me sometime to finally realize that. It took me like 4 and ½ years to finally understand that our friendship would never blossom to something special.

He still keeps a special place in my heart. He’s the guy I hold hands with on one of my very special day—the hands I hold on tight before are the hands I fully let go now.

I thought I wouldn’t ever let go. I thought I will never forget about him. I thought I’ll be forever stuck, going back, crawling over him… but NO. I already forget about it. I actually forgot about his birthday—that I never forget since the day met him. I even deleted him in my ym and contacts and never made the move to save it again. I have a copy of it but I place it somewhere I almost forgotten. I don’t bug him anymore like before.

I realized that my happiness isn’t the same as his happiness. I’m happy with him, he's not happy with me.
“Maybe the cupid who shut my heart missed in shutting his.” So ang ending ako mahal ko siya, siya hindi ako mahal.

But come to think of it… I still love him. I’ve known him for a long time. Now, I only love him like a brother and a friend, nothing more and sensual about it. I’ve move on with the space and time he gave and I thank him for that.

We never started and never ended love… we now have the love of long and lasting friendship that never ends.

It's never
US but at least we tried… I have a thing for you before. You gave me a chance. It’s just it didn’t prosper.
Whenever I see a boat in the water, I always think of you. I think of myself as the lake on those days, that you where just there to float, and will never sink to be with me...

love, now and always,

Precious Hearts Romance: Bud Brothers

June 09, 2009
I was never a fan of ABS-CBN for a lot of reasons:
- I find their evening news boring (since Noli de Castro became senator/VP)
- Wowowee (is too money centered)
- their games shows' too corny (K.A. dressing bongga for a bingo show?)
- Afternoon shows aren't interesting at all (it would be better off sleeping)
- Their evening/prime time shows always leads out of the story flow (teleserye/novela)
- and haller?! why put a showbiz news program every "single" day...?

But since Precious Heart Romance:Bud Brothers Series started on the air, I found myself watching this show on ABS-CBN.

Day-by-day this show is top rating my heart, I just found myself wanting and waiting for episodes.

I was never a fan of its original 'pocket book'. But as I watch more episodes, I'm starting to be interested reading its original, in letters.
Right now, I'm not able to watch this show every afternoon for I'm still in the office on its airtime. What I do now is just watch its recorded episodes on YouTube.

I'm loving every episode of it. I also would like to thank http://www.youtube.com/user/itzmepw for recording this every single day. After work, I always check on
itzmepw channel to see whatever I missed from ABS-CBN.

The good thing about this YouTube channel is that it offers download links, that gives you a chance to get your own copy. So even if this YouTube channel breaks down or you forgot the link and if ever you feel the need to watch back and reminisce its episode, you can do it freely on your own.

BTW, my personal favorite team up in the series is Betchay and Wayne. Their tandem is super kilig and lovable. Plus, Mariel and Rafael are my favorite artistas as well.

love, now and always,

The dream

June 09, 2009
When I'm still a kid, I often tell people that I would want to be a Doctor. Back then in the 1990's that is the most popular ambition of kids particularly girls, for boys, their dreams are either becoming pilot, a military or a policeman.

The childhood ambition was also rooted to the frustrations of my Grand father Juanito in his sons/daughters of being one. My mother would tell me stories how Lolo would dream of having a Doctor in the Family. Mama, that's how we call mother, will tell me funny stories of my aunts and uncles faking lolo with Doctor costumes, to make him believe they are one.

Sadly, no one came close to his dreams... Some of my aunts almost had it but still failed. Two of my aunts actually stepped into the scientific world, to being a biologist and medical technician, which both can continue further studies in medicine, but later on ventured into another career.

My childhood dream(or could it be their dream) just didn't happen. I ventured into arts. I took up an AB degree in Journalism.

I first realized that I'm in the art of writing in the last years of my elementary. When I was in grade 5, my dad bought us a personal computer. That time we have a program installed "Spider man Activity Kit," there's an option there where I can do some news coverage for Spidey. I pretend to be the broadcaster narrating Spideys adventures... Mama once saw me doing this thing and encouraged me to considered being in broadcast/mass communication.

But an early age, coming from a family of big bellies, I know that my look wouldn't look so good on cameras. So I told myself that I would do something that is closer in broadcasting.

When I was in grade 6, I joined an essay writing contest and didn't win the grand prize. And that is where I realized who, what and where would I want to be. I want to be a writer--of anything. You can name it, I can try writing poems, stories, novels, short stories, ads, erotic, drama.. anything, I can try.

Writing more than a talent given to me is a curse. I just love writing and I want to believe that I'm good at it. I may not always be perfect in my grammar but I know what to write.

And so my dream is finally confirmed. In my high school, I joined different contests and trainings for it. In my college I enrolled in a journalism school. After school, I became a correspondent in a newspaper(broadsheet), freelanced for a game company and currently working for publishing company as their promo writer.

What I like most about writing is that I can do it easily and effortless. It's the easiest thing I can do, more than eating or walking. Yes, it requires a lot of brain processing but once I start it off it comes, goes and flows on naturally.

I didn't became the medicine doctor, my family and I dreamed to be.

I'm a writer.

"Let the word have it's life and it will live." - jamie laine meneses

love, now and always,

Welcome to my new home...

June 09, 2009
Obviously, this is my new blog.
and hopefully, I will find time to post here. Often.

love, now and always,
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