Thursday, February 21, 2008

The Ouch Like No Other...

After 20 days of our break up, I saw you having the most beautiful smile of your life and it's not because of me now. You have a new girl, a new love, a new reason of living. 

And I... I don't cry anymore. I don't smile either. Nor I feel sadness. I don't feel pain. I am pain.

What's the sense of this now? nothing. This doesn't make sense to you anymore. If this was written months ago... this might have been the sweetest goodbye you'll consider having. But this isn't important at all anymore. 

When I'm sad, I think of all of the times we shared. I still remember it completely... the way you breathe through your headphones, how you look through the computer's screen and your typing mannerism was all unforgettable. Then I realize how computer based our relationship were. This online-love-affair, I should say, is better that it ended this way. No touch, no kisses, nothing real. It's virtual.

I used to analyze this past weeks if what we had was love... Is it? Or maybe it's just out of boredom. Maybe you needed someone to waste some of your extra time with. And maybe I am lucky enough to waste my time also with you. Who wouldn't fall in love with someone that's always ready to listen, to talk, who's always there? Who? Even cats might fall in love with a dog who always gives a fish bone. But is it really love? Or is it security? Maybe it's the security of the cat to have that fish bone everyday from that dog that the cat can't let go. The cat feels contented that it focused on the fish bone and didn't think that there are shark bones, whale bones and other types fish bones bigger and better than what the cat have. It's like me contented of having you. I feel safe with you. I'm secure that's why I ignored... no ignored wasn't an enough word... I blocked all choices coming when we are still together. I didn't realize the reality other men might have give.

For almost 3 months, I focused on you. Because I'm happy and secure with you. I thought with you everything is enough. And YES, it was enough for me until our last day. It was exactly what I wanted. 

But with moments of thinking, I realized that I settled to much on just what I have. I didn't strive for more. I remembered someone telling me that In life we have choices. We don't just grab it. Because we choose settle with what is there. We are too afraid to look for something better. For when we fail on better things, the failure is a lot bigger. And maybe that's what I did with you... An online love wouldn't hurt as much as a real life love. It's cut will virtually bleed. Virtual not actual. 

As I let of you, I let go the virtual part of me. Yes. I let me go. I let the imaginary flow out of my system. I wouldn't need that anymore. I used to say that I can love someone I haven't met just as I haven't met God but I love him... Then, I realized you are not God nor anyone of us. So I couldn't. I could never love an idea... As the cliche says, "It's only in the mind." I could like an idea... but love is a too strong term to feel. Or maybe it's just wanting. Loving is never WANTING. 

As I close the virtual book of our fairy tale, I bid goodbye to you and the imaginary world we created together.  I'm ready to face the real world for I tasted the heavens and hells of the imaginary. I got the best of it and the worst. And now it's about time to get the best of what the REAL LIFE's chances and choices have.

Beatitudes says that blessed are the broken hearts for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Some says broken hearts move on... but mine? It didn't move on... it moved out. 

love, now and always, 

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